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WD-4-Anointing Oil by Sherry Marshall ANNOUNCER: (holding can of WD-4-Anointing behind back) Ever had one of those Sundays where it seemed to take all Sunday afternoon to get around to anointing your whole congregation down at the altar? Well fret no more, pastors! (pulls out can) Here is just the solution for you. It’s WD-4-Anointing oil! That’s right. (spray some out toward audience in a sweeping motion from left to right) With WD-4-Anointing oil, you can have your whole congregation anointed in no time…and the best part—you’ll be able to beat the other churches to Furrs’! So hurry to your nearest church supply store and get your can of WD-4-Anointing oil…in regular and heaven-scent. Inflate-a-Bible by Sherry Marshall (Person #1 enters church and sits down in a pew with their Bible. Looks around as if waiting for someone. Person #2 comes to sit and person #1 stretches arm over seat and mimes saying the seat is taken. Person #3 comes to sit and person #1 again covers the seat with their arm…person #3 sits on their arm and then jumps up. Person #1 again mimes that the seat is taken…person #3 is very annoyed. ) ANNOUNCER: Having a hard time saving seats at church? (Person #1 looks around then appears to have a great idea.) ANNOUNCER: You need… (Person #1 pulls out their Bible) ANNOUNCER: The “Inflate-a-Bible”! (Person #1 happily pumps up their Bible on the seat next to them. Person #4 walks by…sees the Bible and walks on. Person #1 looks very satisfied.) ANNOUNCER: Never again worry about your saved seat being taken when you can discreetly tell them to buzz off with the new “Inflate-a-Bible”! (Person #1 waves at their friend as they walk in. Person #1 removes Bible for friend to sit.) ANNOUNCER: And for an additional bonus, the “Inflate-a-Bible” doubles as a pillow for those days when you just can’t stay awake in the sermon. (Person #1 puts Bible next to head and leans on it, asleep. Friend also shares pillow and sleeps.) ANNOUNCER: Inflate-a-Bible...in versions King James, New King James, New International, New American Standard, New Living, Amplified, New Life, Young Literal, Original Greek, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and now new Swahili translation! Bible Restoration and Repair Kit by Sherry Marshall (2 country guys meet up at church. Earl enters to see Buford’s Bible fall apart all over the floor) EARL: Hey Buford! BUFORD: (looking up from picking up his Bible mess) Oh hi Earl! EARL: I see you’re havin’ a little problem with yer Bible there? BUFORD: Yep. Thing’s prty old…hard to keep it together. Got this here Bible from my grandpa. It’d break my heart to have to replace it. EARL: Oh no…ya don’t wanna replace it. You can fix ‘er right up. Did ya see the newest thing? BUFORD: No. EARL: Yeah…just got mine in the mail yesterday…my new “Bible Restoration and Re-pair Kit!” (holds up his Bible covered in duct tape) BUFORD: Really? EARL: Check it out! (pulls out the tape, grabs all the paper Buford is holding and wraps it up with the tape then rips the tape off with his teeth) There ya go! BUFORD: WOW! Thanks Earl! That’s some prty fancy stuff! Where can I get some? EARL: Just call 1-800-get-er-done and they’ll getcha done! BUFORD: Hey thanks buddy! BRIGHT by Sherry Marshall (commercial spot featuring voice over announcer, shimmery model with large toothpaste tube and 3 actors) (actor#1 looking in a hand mirror disgusted) Announcer: Do you look in the mirror and cringe at your dingy smile? Do you act grumpy around your friends on purpose just to keep from smiling? (actor frowns and nods at audience) Then do we have just the product for you! BRIGHT! (model enters wearing shimmery top carrying large tube of toothpaste) Bright is the latest innovation in whitening toothpaste. (actor goes to model and looks at tube and smiles and nods to audience pointing to tube) With Bright, you no longer have to worry about those dull dingy teeth. You can have a brand new smile immediately and the best part… (actor waits in anticipation) …NO trips to the dentist! (actor smiles enthusiastically and gives a thumbs-up to the audience). In fact…it’s better! When you brush with Bright, you see a HUGE difference right away…(actor looks in mirror now held by model and is taken aback and smiles) and so will your friends! (actor#2 enters, sees friend and goes to him. Actor #1 smiles big and actor#2 is knocked down, shielding his eyes. He quickly crawls away.) Announcer: Amaze and astound everyone you know with new Bright! (actor#3 enters, sees friend and heads towards him. Actor#1 smiles and actor#3 painfully covers eyes. He tries to see but can’t as he stumbles out yelling “I’m blind”!) Announcer: Never again worry about losing your flashlight camping…just smile! You glow in the dark! Think of all the electricity you will save! Hurry, because this product won’t last long! (quickly in fast legal talk: Bright is not responsible for blindness of friends and loved ones, car wrecks due to glare off the rearview mirror, burn holes to clothes or walls, or melted ice cream) Dammit-All By “Hey Nunnie, Nunnie” Announcer: Are you troubled by “sin”? You know…those pesky, annoying venial sins like cursing and harboring lustful thoughts? Well your salvation is at hand. From the people who brought you “moral fiber” and “pope-soap-on-a-rope”, it’s “Dammit-all”. In its easy to use spray bottle, Dammit-al banishes those nasty sins in seconds. Watch in wonder as your personal demons miraculously dissolve before your very eyes. (singing) Spray your nasty sins away. Send them to the “Judgment Day”. Make it like before the fall. Purify with “Dammit-all.” And now available, extra strength “Dammit-all-to-Hell”. In regular and “heaven scent” (legal talk) Results may vary. Void where prohibited. (back to the scripts page) |