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Country Love Written By Sherry Marshall Cast: Pa (heavy hillbilly accent) Daisy Mae, sister (seeking a man --feminine hillbilly accent) Jimmy Ray, brother (a kid trying to be a “dude”—hillbilly accent with that hint of “valley dude”) (Takes place in the backwoods of a small town. Opening music is “Dueling Banjos”. The setting is the living room and dining room/kitchen of a trailer or small house. There is a card table with two folding chairs. Jimmy Ray is sitting at the “dining table” sifting through the mail. He is wearing work pants and a shirt with a patch with his name on it. His shirt is not tucked in. Pa enters wearing overalls and a cap.) PA: Well, Granny and yer Ma are fightin’ again. JIMMY: It’s the “battle of the bulge”. PA: Nah…it’s more like “dual’in air bags”. Grandma’s just been in a bad mood ever since Grandpa took her to the McDonald’s for their anniversary. Yer Ma went over there to give her some consolin’. Poor Grandma…she just got over her bout with depression after she found out that Sears quit puttin’ out their catalog. Dern shame too…made for some right fine terlit paper. JIMMY: Hey Pa…check this out! (holds up an envelope) I finally got my Waffle House credit card! PA: Oh good. Then it’s YOUR turn to take yer Ma out for Valentin-ees Day. Speakin’ of holidays, remember you promised yer Ma that this year you’d actually take them Christmas lights down. JIMMY: I know…I’ll get around to it. (Daisy enters. She’s wearing denim shorts with ruffles on the hem of the pants, a puffy sleeved blouse and a hat with a large flower on it.) DAISY: Oh, I’m so bored (with ulterior motive). I think I’ll go up to the Walmart. Today’s the day they’re having that big sale on them dee-lux deer stands. PA: Oh, good…save me a trip. Yer Ma said she needs a few things at the store…she gave me a list. (pulls out small scroll of paper, then lets it drop down where it hits the floor…very long list.) Confound it Ma! She knows how tight we are on money. And rustle up those young-uns an’ take ‘em to the Walmart with you. Jimmy Ray, drive them up there in the pickup, will ya? JIMMY: I reckon. DAISY: Aw, Pa do I gotta take the ankle-biters? PA: Yep…they need ta get outta the house and get some fresh air. Been cooped up too long in that room of theirs playing with their wrestling figures…or monster truck models…or whatever it is they do in there! JIMMY: She’s just upset cause she wants some alone time to go see her (teasing) “sweetie-heart” PA: Sweetie-heart? It better not be that Bert Lee Billy Joe Jim Bob. (to himself) Crazy kid ain’t right in the head. DAISY: (hurt) Why? What’s wrong with Billy Joe? PA: Aw, Daisy Mae! Bert Lee Billy Joe Jim Bob is about as bright as a broken bulb. The other day I had to take his job application to customer service for him when he tried to hand it to the Walmart “greeter”…and as a skill on his application he put “tick removal” along with 2nd year champion “cow tipper”. That boy can’t spell his name without looking at his shirt. (Jimmy Ray looks at his shirt) And then he writes down “BVD”. DAISY: Well, he can name the entire cast of the “Dukes of Hazzard”…. PA: …..but not the Presdent. JIMMY: What IS that guy’s name? PA: Did he ever get that tattoo removed…“Born to bag Groceries”? DAISY: It said “Born to Bag Deer”…and yes he did. Now he says he’s financin’ one with my name on it! PA: Daisy Mae, I hope you don’t plan on marryin’ this fellow. JIMMY: Marry? Hey, we got the reception covered….(proudly holds up his card with a big smile like in a commercial) with my brand new Waffle House credit card! PA: (ignoring Jimmy) I will not have Billy Joe’s folks as your in-laws. That family would probably end up sweeping up the rice and serving it at the reception….just like what happened at your Aunt Opal’s weddin’. Best gift you’d get outta that boy’s family is a set of linens that say “property of Motel 6”. DAISY: Well, they keep the light on for ya. JIMMY: I think them Motel Six sheets of ours are purty comfy. DAISY: (remembering) You know Pa…Billy Joe is famous. People drive for two counties to see the image of Elvis that appeared in the water stains on the ceiling of his trailer. PA: Speaking of bad art, Jimmy Ray pick us up some new “yard art” to replace that pink flamingo out there. JIMMY: What’s wrong with my pink flamingo? PA: Well for one, them kids shot it full of holes. Oh, and get me some more Red Man chawin’ tobacco…same brand as your Grandma. JIMMY: We’d better hurry, Daisy Mae. At 3 o’clock they’re gonna show the replay of that famous wrestlin’ match between the Bruise Brothers. You know…where they busted the monster truck through the stage door! DAISY: (to Pa) Speaking of wrestling…can I invite Billy Joe over to watch? He adores wrestling! Says he’s gonna join one of them federations someday. I told him I might even fix him some supper. In fact he was pretty excited at the thought of food…he might even be tryin’ ta pick him up some roadkill right now. JIMMY: Yeah Pa, let’s invite ol’ Bert Lee Billy Joe Jim Bob to dinner! Then Daisy could make some of your county-wide famous chili! We probably better stop by the bait shop then and pick up some more of Pa’s “secret” ingredient while we’re out then. DAISY: (walks closer to Pa to beg) Yes…oh please Pa, can we invite him to dinner? He even said he’d chip in and bring somethin’. There’s no way he’s gonna eat 550 cans of pork and beans he has leftover from Y2K. PA: That’s why that boy has the winds somethin’ fierce. (sniffing Daisy) Speakin’ of smelly stuff, is that why ya got that par-foom stuff on today, cause ya figured you could talk me into letting that good fer nothin’ into this house? DAISY: But doesn’t it smell nice? It’s Poison. PA: Poison, eh? (sniffs again) Yeah, I guess it does smell a little bit like Raid…don’t it? DAISY: (shakes her head and looks back at Pa) Pa, I don’t understand whatcha got against Billy Joe? He really likes me! JIMMY: Yeah, he ain’t so bad Pa. He gave me a great tip for the dog track. Last week, I won 20 bucks betting on the dog that does his business in the grass just before the race begins. DAISY: (Daisy elbows him and then tries to cover with something better) He’s even been followin’ me to church on Sundays for the last three months straight! PA: And another thing…no daughter of mine is gonna hook up with a fella that makes change in the offerin’ plate and asks for seconds on the communion wine! And that’s final, Daisy Mae! DAISY: I’m a grown woman, Pa! I can make my own decisions…and I’ve decided to keep seeing Billy Joe! PA: You know yer Ma would pitch a fit over you datin’ someone like him. What are you gonna tell her about ol’ Bert Lee Billy Joe Jim Bob? DAISY: The truth of course…that Billy Joe is a nice young man that really cares ‘bout me. That’s all that matters to me Pa. He loves me. That’s all that really counts…not money or manners or ‘telligence or even in-laws. PA: You’ll think differently someday when you’re tryin’ to figure out how you’re gonna buy lottery tickets, moon pies AND Pampers all at the same time! JIMMY: (surprised) Pampers! Daisy Mae, are you… DAISY: (interrupting) NO!! PA: (to Jimmy) I was jus’ testin’ the water, son. I can’t imagine someone like Billy Joe breeding! And with my daughter! DAISY: Would you at least give him a chance, Pa? I’m sure you’ll like him better when you get to know him. He’s doin’ real good at his new job at the Walmart. And next month, the Lord willin’, he’ll be getting’ his GED. JIMMY: If he can spell it. DAISY: Jimmy Ray! (starts beatin’ on Jimmy Ray) PA: (breaking them up) Alright, alright! Not like I have a choice in the matter noways. He can come over for dinner. (Daisy squeals) Now you two better get on down to the bait shop. I’m lookin’ forward to that chili tonight. DAISY: Thanks, Pa! (kisses her on the cheek) You won’t be sorry. (starts to walk out with Jimmy) Oh and Pa, I’d appreciate it if you could get the transmission outta the tub. Pretty please? I’d like to take a bath when we get back. (fade to Dueling Banjo music) (back to the scripts page)